Laugh. Love. Write words that begin with L.

Fingers crossed I win this! 

I found what Apple does with all our “Unresponsive messages”

This is my favorite optical illusion!

Stare at the image for 5 minutes, then read below!

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Magically, 5 minutes are gone from your life!

Have a nice day!

Obviously Red Bull has been in the news recently in relation to Felix Baumgartner and his legendary free fall record jump.  Not for a second am I saying this isn’t impressive.  It is.  But there is 100% no way that Red Bull didn’t subconsciously make him do it.  I can just picture him, completely overwhelmed at the thought of the stunt and how dangerous it is.  ”What? Sure I’ll have a Red Bull.. As I was saying I think I might d- LETS FUCKING JUMP FROM OUT OF EARTHS ATMOSPHERE.”  Red Bull contains a poison that convinces extreme athletes to do incredibly idiotic and dangerous things.  As you can see in the picture, Red Bull has released a blue print of their next stunt, where someone will be jumping their dirt bike to Saturn.  It gets better though, their stunt to get home? DYING! RADICAL!!!!!! No doubt whoever takes on this stunt has crushed at least a six pack of some Red Bull.  

So if you’re an extreme athlete, don’t drink Red Bull.  Or next thing you know, you’ll find yourself blind folded and snowboarding into a volcano 

I swear the account verification words are becoming increasingly more difficult to read.  I don’t think we’re far off something like this…

The Huffington Post has some new, oddly specific new twitter profiles 

What your Instagram Photos say about you:

1) Flowers: This includes all plant life.  Flowers, ferns, cool tree roots! On the annoying scale its not very high since you’ve already taken the effort to get relatively close to the plant, so some credit is given where its due.  Some knack for photography is usually present, don’t tell the person that though.  Before you know it you’ll be neck deep in sepia oak tree shots. Not bad though,  just don’t get full of yourself Georgia O’Keeffe.  It’s plants.  

2) Pets:  Dogs, cats.  I don’t give a shit.  I don’t think I even know anyone who doesn’t have some sort of pet.  Every pet is usually depressed looking and wondering why you’re not playing with it but rather playing Annie Leibovitz.  I don’t need to see pictures of your goldfish in “X Pro II” filter.  Give your pets some room to shine without looking like they were kickin it during woodstock.  

3) The Beach:  The annoyance level is starting to kick up a notch.  The probability of someone seeing your picture who has never seen the ocean is pretty low, so feel free to stop documenting it.  A lot of “fouls” fall into the beach category.  Footprints, beach chairs, beach balls, lifeguard stands, etc.  I get it, you’re on vacation, we’re not, and you want to post a retro middle finger in the form of a photograph on facebook, I get it.  I hope you get sunburned.  

4) Sunsets:  Stemming right off the beach, but the beach aspect not being crucial, is sunsets.  The reason its higher than beaches on the annoying scale is because exactly that, its a sunset.  Most people would consider a sunset to be one of natures most beautiful displays.  Were you watching the sunset out the window of a trans-am in ‘67? Chances are that 99.99% of you weren’t.  Fingers still crossed for sunburn

5) Inanimate objects:  It’s starting to get to me.  I could write a 30 page list of things that fall into this category.  Pictured, is a bike, a common Instagram felony.  Suddenly every object becomes the muse for all these budding photographers out there.  A crushed lightbulb on the ground? Stupid.  From a low angle with a “Nashville” filter? FACEBOOK COVER PHOTO.  If it doesnt stop, I’m going to take a picture of the next poop I take, upload it, and if it doesn’t get 40 likes within 1 hour, I’m jumping off my roof.  

6) Drinks: I heard you had a party last night! No it looked so chique and untainted by mainstream society.  I saw you were drinking milwaukee’s best, which is normally gross but I must say it looked very thirst quenching.  That was my impression of no one.  Tropical drinks are usually the one you’ll see pictured the most, because us lowly folks simply sit at home in the dark drafty rooms, only dreaming of what a magical concoction that could be, regardless of the fact its more than likely at Applebees.  

7) Body Parts: Coming in hot to the end of our list, is body parts.  For some godforsaken reason, other people love the idea of looking at other people’s body parts.  Certain days of instagram it looks like a high contrast anatomy book.  Feet, hands, hands holding hands, feet touching other feet, eyes, ears, lips, elbows (i havent actually seen that one but I’m sure its there)  What happened to just the photograph of a person? are people that disgusted with each other that, “ya know? I think I can only handle about 7% of you right now.  Yeah lets have a look at that”

8) Food: Last and without question, beyond a fucking doubt, absolutely least, is food.  Goddammit.  I know countless jokes have been written but cmon.  Lets really lay into it. Its the same idea as drinks.  You can take a goddamn picture of a 6 day old quarter pounder with cheese from mcdonalds thats been run over by a car, and it will still SOMEHOW look appetizing.  The science behind it is far beyond my understanding.  Regardless of instagrams mystical power, people wield the ability with a tyrannical stranglehold.  MY FOOD WAS GOOD AND THIS PROVES IT.  FUCK YOU, YOU DIDN’T HAVE ANY DID YOU?? NO! 

Paula Deen’s very own “Food Pyramid”

The newest Cooking Light edition for July…

What Your Dorm Poster Says About You:

1. John Belushi Poster: College is so sick.  Animal House is like my dads favorite movie, and the parts I’ve seen are SO fucking funny.  Jim Belushi is hilarious and I can totally relate to just like, how messy and drunk he is.

2. Endless Summer Poster: The poster says it all, “Endless Summer.” Just waiting until I can get to the beach.  I don’t surf but my friend does.  Its retro and I’m like really into that right now.  What? Yeah I know what it is…

3. Scarface Poster: This movie is the SHIT!  Tony Montana is responsible for at least half my Facebook quotes.  He’s everything I want to be when I grow up.  Minus the cocaine, the guns, the suits and drug palace.  But other than that he’s the fucking man.  

4. Giant Wave Poster:  God this poster is what my life is all about.  Just, like, ambition, you know? I don’t surf and this poster was the only they had left at the bookstore but its sick right? Plus it matches the sheets my mom got.

5. Beer Pong Rules Poster: I searched high and low to find the right one of these.  SO MANY of these posters are wrong! Like have you ever played before? These are the house rules.  Of my dorm.  If you don’t play by them you’re fuckin OUT!

6. Quintessential Hot Girl Poster:  You see that? THOSE are the type of girls that’ll be coming over here this semester.  Girls love diamond plate and jeans.  Again, it was either this or another wave poster so I had to go with the dime piece.  It makes my roommate uncomfortable but I don’t give a shit.

7. Audrey Hepburn Poster: SHE is a hero of mine.  Plus I’m quirky and artistic and Audrey just embodies me.  Breakfast at Tiffany’s is at the top of my list for movies I want to see.  Its just so OLD!  At least people will realize they’re stepping into a room of sophistication now…

8. Bob Marley Poster: The BOBSTER! BOB MARLEY! Oh man “Don’t Worry About a Thing” is my favorite chill song.  I’ve always wanted to go to his concert but I can never find tickets.  I’m really into Jamaican stuff right now like Bob Marley and the colors red green and yellow.  So this poster fits in PERFECTLY.