What your Instagram Photos say about you:
1) Flowers: This includes all plant life. Flowers, ferns, cool tree roots! On the annoying scale its not very high since you’ve already taken the effort to get relatively close to the plant, so some credit is given where its due. Some knack for photography is usually present, don’t tell the person that though. Before you know it you’ll be neck deep in sepia oak tree shots. Not bad though, just don’t get full of yourself Georgia O’Keeffe. It’s plants.
2) Pets: Dogs, cats. I don’t give a shit. I don’t think I even know anyone who doesn’t have some sort of pet. Every pet is usually depressed looking and wondering why you’re not playing with it but rather playing Annie Leibovitz. I don’t need to see pictures of your goldfish in “X Pro II” filter. Give your pets some room to shine without looking like they were kickin it during woodstock.
3) The Beach: The annoyance level is starting to kick up a notch. The probability of someone seeing your picture who has never seen the ocean is pretty low, so feel free to stop documenting it. A lot of “fouls” fall into the beach category. Footprints, beach chairs, beach balls, lifeguard stands, etc. I get it, you’re on vacation, we’re not, and you want to post a retro middle finger in the form of a photograph on facebook, I get it. I hope you get sunburned.
4) Sunsets: Stemming right off the beach, but the beach aspect not being crucial, is sunsets. The reason its higher than beaches on the annoying scale is because exactly that, its a sunset. Most people would consider a sunset to be one of natures most beautiful displays. Were you watching the sunset out the window of a trans-am in ‘67? Chances are that 99.99% of you weren’t. Fingers still crossed for sunburn
5) Inanimate objects: It’s starting to get to me. I could write a 30 page list of things that fall into this category. Pictured, is a bike, a common Instagram felony. Suddenly every object becomes the muse for all these budding photographers out there. A crushed lightbulb on the ground? Stupid. From a low angle with a “Nashville” filter? FACEBOOK COVER PHOTO. If it doesnt stop, I’m going to take a picture of the next poop I take, upload it, and if it doesn’t get 40 likes within 1 hour, I’m jumping off my roof.
6) Drinks: I heard you had a party last night! No it looked so chique and untainted by mainstream society. I saw you were drinking milwaukee’s best, which is normally gross but I must say it looked very thirst quenching. That was my impression of no one. Tropical drinks are usually the one you’ll see pictured the most, because us lowly folks simply sit at home in the dark drafty rooms, only dreaming of what a magical concoction that could be, regardless of the fact its more than likely at Applebees.
7) Body Parts: Coming in hot to the end of our list, is body parts. For some godforsaken reason, other people love the idea of looking at other people’s body parts. Certain days of instagram it looks like a high contrast anatomy book. Feet, hands, hands holding hands, feet touching other feet, eyes, ears, lips, elbows (i havent actually seen that one but I’m sure its there) What happened to just the photograph of a person? are people that disgusted with each other that, “ya know? I think I can only handle about 7% of you right now. Yeah lets have a look at that”
8) Food: Last and without question, beyond a fucking doubt, absolutely least, is food. Goddammit. I know countless jokes have been written but cmon. Lets really lay into it. Its the same idea as drinks. You can take a goddamn picture of a 6 day old quarter pounder with cheese from mcdonalds thats been run over by a car, and it will still SOMEHOW look appetizing. The science behind it is far beyond my understanding. Regardless of instagrams mystical power, people wield the ability with a tyrannical stranglehold. MY FOOD WAS GOOD AND THIS PROVES IT. FUCK YOU, YOU DIDN’T HAVE ANY DID YOU?? NO!